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02 November 2017

This Is Me



In all my eight years blogging, I have so rarely spoken about my life - that seems counterintuitive, no? Before I took a two year hiatus, blogging looked very different to what it looks like now - only a selective few did it full time, and the personal aspect of a blog was so much more...well, personal. I always thought the best way to maintain my sanity while being so involved with an online world was to keep most of myself to myself - bar a few bad jokes, and the odd mention of a personal life behind the screen. It's something I've always done. I never speak much of what goes on behind the scenes, or even delve too much into what I do with my days. I've treated the internet very much like an acquaintance, rather than a best friend - and sometimes that's important for sanity. But having read wonderfully personal posts from Hannah and Chloe this last week, I thought that I might try my hand at being a little more open about who I am.

I grew up online - I've faced most of the events in my life with the backdrop of a blog/ magazine/ multiple social media accounts and it's never gotten easier to figure out what to share, and what to keep quiet. I am an intensely private person, but sometimes the urge to share share share online is overwhelming - I still don't know why, and I don't think I'm the only person that wants to start a Twitter thread about every little life detail. I resist the urge so often because I know when the words finally get posted I'll feel uncomfortable within seconds, and delete them. I won't share every gory detail of the last twenty one years, but a little background never hurt nobody.

I'm twenty one. I'm 5"8, so quite tall - and yes, my hair is naturally this colour. I'm a size 10 (sometimes 12, and god knows what size I am in H&M because their sizing is mental) and most of the time I'm happy with my size, sometimes I'm not. I should probably go to the gym more, because I know it makes me feel great but also sometimes so does lying in bed for hours. Some people think I look younger, others think I look older and just a couple weeks ago I got mistaken for a hooker, which is age-irrelevant but hilarious to me. I am a total geek - my parents pushed me hard and I obsessed over my grades as a kid, and adolescent - and to be honest up until about six months ago, when I graduated from university. As it stands, I have a first class degree in Philosophy from the University of Bristol and absolutely no intention of becoming the next Sartre or Plato. The last two years of my degree were hard - my family life took a huge hit, and any sense of stability felt erased. While we were still adjusting, my mother fell incredibly sick and we nearly lost her. All of this happened in the space of six months - everything I knew felt threatened, and I was determined not to drop out of University but in all honesty, I very nearly did. Somehow we made it through, and my mother is my hero; she's relearnt how to walk and adjusted to a whole new way of hearing in the space of a matter of months. It's amazing what you don't see about a persons life through the internet - I keep that in my mind constantly so I never get too sucked into the 'perfect' lives we're so often told everyone else leads via social media and the like.

I currently live at home in London with said hero-mother, and plan on doing so until I can locate one of those things called 'a job' and 'affordable rent'. I don't want to blog full time - I never have, but I have an immense amount of respect for those who do.

I want to write. I've always been a wordy person - reading and writing everyday since I can remember.

I want to write novels, articles and probably also some sh*t poetry. I want to do wordy things, and I want to spend my free time painting and blogging, and watching nature/ dinosaur documentaries because I have so much time for animals/ dinosaur facts. I also want to do sketch comedy, and stand up - both of which I did, and loved doing, at university. Making people laugh makes me feel the most like me. I've never really thought I'd do just one thing with my life, so trying to forge a path made of lots of little things feels natural but inevitably terrifying.

I'm tired though after a rough couple years, so I also want a break - I'll probably spend my next year interning and travelling, and look for something permanent in September. Maybe one day I'll be able to afford to move out, and maybe pigs will fly. This blog has always been an outlet, and will continue to be so - I want to share good pictures, share good words and share some bad jokes. It's simple, but it's enough for me. I've come realise we're all just figuring things out as we go, and having creative outlets and hobbies is immensely clarifying. The kids at school never thought I was cool for blogging, but I think it's cool to have things you're passionate about - that and a tragus piercing. Those things are cool, real cool. 

I have got no time for boys bullsh*t, so I've only dated a few men in my short life - luckily one of them turned out to be pretty cool, so we've been together for two and a half years. I keep that bit of my life *offline* because I want it to be all mine. His name is Harry though, and he is very tall and silly.

I want a beagle called Thunder, and an apartment with a terrace that overlooks the Thames. It's brown, and dirty - but I don't care. I'd love to spend some time in New York, and Copenhagen - my two favourite places that aren't London. I'm half Danish, half American - I feel more Danish than anything. I've grown up with living an incredibly Danish life despite being raised in London, and spend all of my summers in the countryside there. I feel best when I'm walking through a city I love, with some good music in my ears and the sun shining. It sounds basic - but it makes the hard days seem easy and the good days feel great. Honestly there's nothing better than pounding the streets to your favourite song, regardless of where you're going - I'd 10/10 recommend this if you're feeling stressed. That and dinosaur documentaries - I actually own that inflatable dinosaur costume you see in all those memes. I had it shipped from New Jersey a year ago. Did I mention that I like dinosaurs?

So yeah: this is me. A brief history, a short past - lots more good stuff and sh*t to come, I'm sure. I'm tired a lot, but happy a lot too - and I'm so much more sarcastic than I can get across online, because sarcasm is so much funnier IRL.  I'm awkward and not very *chill* or *cool girl* - but I'm okay with that.



ZARA bag, coat and top, NIKE trainers, JW ANDERSON X UNIQLO trousers, CLUSE* watch, H&M hoop earrings.


9 comments:

  1. You are so lovely <3

    Also a big dinosaur fan over here, let's go look at them in the Natural History Museum one day?

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    Replies
    1. can we please - that sounds delightful <3

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  2. I've just discovered your blog, but I'm happy to see that you find it difficult to share your life too much on your blog as it is also something I struggle with, even though I am aware that being a private person and blogging is a little bit of a contradiction! That said, I've really enjoyed reading this post and I like this outfit a lot!

    http://fannyanddailybeauty.com

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  3. Hi Camilla!!! I LOVE the look! Is the top new? Because I can't find it ar zara! Kisses, Lauren (a longtime fan of yours)

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    Replies
    1. Hello lovely! It's only from a month or so ago, so it may still be online! <3

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  4. Wow, thank you for sharing!!! You have inspired me to get more personal on my blog too. Have you heard of the concept 'Third Culture Kid'? Your story really goes with that concept. I am one too! You should look it up. :)
    http://marveling-mind.com

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  5. Hey Camilla! I have actually never left a comment on your blog (and I am very sorry about that) but I have followed you for a long time and always LOVED both your writing on Into the Fold and your style. I really appreciate how you try to divide online life from "real" life, however this post was such a nice way to get to know you!

    And OMG, sketch comedy and dinosaur documentaries? Sound brilliant, keep it up!

    Daria
    x

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  6. Loved this post Camilla. I love that blogging is getting back to the real, it's kinda sad it left, but I too want to get back to the 'everyday' style of blogging all those years ago. love posts like this <3

    Mel x mediamarmalade.com

    Ps: your mum sounds like a hero x

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  7. This is the first post of yours I’ve read and I love it. It’s unusual to come across bloggers who don’t want to make a career out of it, like you I want to be a writer but also have a great passion for blogging and sharing a little bit of my life and my words on the internet. Also adore this outfit!

    https://jasmineisabellaa.wordpress.com/

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